Alan Partridge Quotes

[BadFish]

"They're tungsten-tip screws for claws. Right, error one - actually they're quite good for making a point aren't they? - error one, Frankenstein is the name of the creator, not the monster. Right error two right, Frankenstein is a zombie. Okay, he's a type of zombie. It's like people when they say Tannoy when they mean public address system. Tannoy is a brand name. Why're you all staring at me? I'm not have a go at anyone, I'm having a pop at the undead. I mean do you see any upset zombies around?"

Only one.

 

[Badger]

Ruddy hell, it's Softcell

 

[Badger]

Thriker

Shit, did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine

That. Was a goal.

etc.

 

[KingstonSeagull]

Stop getting bond wrong!

 

[Norman Potting]

Thriker

Shit, did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine

That. Was a goal.

etc.

Was just about to post this, my favourite!

 

[dingodan]

Let battle commence! Do you uh, like me doing that? shall I do it more quickly, or maintain the same speed? Shall I move onto the other one?

Do you mind if I talk? Helps me keep the wolf from the door, so to speak...what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre?

Jill what are you doing? For God's sake what are you doing!? Mousse from a bowl is very nice, but to put it on a person is demented!

 

[SIMMO SAYS]

Anything Partridge has said BG did it first

 

[KingstonSeagull]

It’s four-fifty a.m. The Queen is dead, long live the King Singers!


Now, we’ve had several calls during the last few hours concerning a humorous comment I made some time ago. Just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead. It was a humorous intro into a song which seems to have been taken a bit too literally by one or two listeners… and a newspaper. So, just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth the second is not dead… unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid. Just coming up to seven o’clock. Gadzooks! It’s the noble Sir David Clifton of radioshire!

 

[clapham_gull]

That was a majestic voice. You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.

My all time favourite.

 

[We're the Stripes]

Needles to say.. I took.. drugs.

 

[W.C.]

“(Smelling wine) ooooh I was slightly hyper-ventilating then….usually leads to panic attacks….Jesus not now.”

What are you getting?

 

[BadFish]

On that bombshell, on that, on that double vehicular loss for Alan Partridge in Vegas

 

[KingstonSeagull]

"Calm down, Lynn! You're suffering from minor women's whiplash!"

 

[Doc Lynam]

"The plague was very much the HIV of its day, but this baby was airborne! Let me put that into context for you, flying AIDS!"

 

[brakespear]

My favourite bit of Partridge - layout lifted from user yardrs from the British Comedy Guide forum, so thanks for that:

Alan: That was The Police 'Doo Doo Doo Daa Daa Daa', their gibberish classic, and my tribute to Her Majesty's police. It's nearly seven o'clock. This is Dave Clifton.

Dave: Yes, indeed! Good morning, my name's Dave Clifton, and there goes Alan Partridge, cone but not forgotten!

[Alan forces an appreciative groan, and laughs.]

Dave: You off to see a film, like Cone-an the Barbarian?

Alan:[Slightly annoyed, but still playing along] Yeah, good one.

Dave: Then watch a bit of TV, eh? Like Cone Dancing?

Alan: Yeah. Not so good, but fine.

Dave: Oh, come on Alan. What's the matter with you? Cone't you take a joke?

Alan: Oh, f**k off.

[Dave stares in shocked silence for a second, then regains himself.]

Dave: Actually, I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don't believe you just said that.

Alan: You don't sound it. I wish you were.

Dave: Well I am. Now, I really don't know what to say. I find it really difficult to find a way -

Alan: [Interrupting] Try saying nothing!

Dave: You and I both know that dead air is a crime, and I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show.

Alan: Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong. It's one minute past seven, it's your show, you're responsible for the output, I am technically a guest and you've failed to control me. Read the small print on your cone-tract.

 

[Ameliaance]

"All those people who go around saying “Life begins at forty,” they're notable by their absence. The nerve."

 

[Paul Reids Sock]

"They're tungsten-tip screws for claws. Right, error one - actually they're quite good for making a point aren't they? - error one, Frankenstein is the name of the creator, not the monster. Right error two right, Frankenstein is a zombie. Okay, he's a type of zombie. It's like people when they say Tannoy when they mean public address system. Tannoy is a brand name. Why're you all staring at me? I'm not have a go at anyone, I'm having a pop at the undead. I mean do you see any upset zombies around?"

'Just the one'

 

[Stato]

Lynn I'm going nowhere, literally I am on the Norwich ring road

The full line, because I love the repetition of 'Never gonna use them.':

"I’m going nowhere, Lynn. Quite literally, I’m on the ring road. Third time round. I’ve just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws. Never gonna use ‘em. Never gonna use ‘em."

My favourite moment is in the car outside the house he can't buy because he didn't get a second series. Even in his fantasy, he can't be happy. It seems to sum up his world:

"Lynn I’m not coming to your baptist church! They always get people when they’re down. I don’t want salvation, I just want to be able to say “I’m Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be,” I don’t know, “Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn’t know you’d moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I’m having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I’d love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I’d rather you didn’t, it’s not that kind of area.” “Do you like Mini Kiev’s?”, “I love them! But my wife’s vegetarian”, “Doesn’t matter. She can have fish”, [gradually getting irritated] “No she won’t eat that either”, “Oh forget it!”. You people. Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me. I’ll tell you something, you know. They may have very nice Tudorette-style housing but can they order an Irish Coffee at three a.m. in the morning and get it delivered to their bedroom?"

 

[Cosmic Joker]

A favourite scene in the reception of the Linton Travel tavern

Alan: Oh. [To Susan] Actually, can I talk to you? There’s rather a delicate matter…
[The phone rings.]

Susan: Oh, excuse me. Sophie, could you deal with this?
[Sophie looks worried.]

Alan: Er, Sophie…

Sophie: Mr. Partridge?

Alan: As you know, at the end of the week, I’m meeting Tony Hayers, at the BBC. And, he is Mr. Numero… one…. And the problem is I’ve got some rude daubings on the side of my car.

Sophie: Can you still drive the car?

Alan: Well, yeah, yeah, obviously. I mean that’s not… do you know what it says on the side of my car?

Sophie: Tosser?

Alan: No. Well, you’re in the right ballpark. No, it actually says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’.

[Sophie turns away, trying not to laugh. Susan returns from the phonecall.]

Susan: [Brightly] Is everything alright?

Sophie: Mr. Partridge, erm… has got some rude… graffiti… on –

[Sophie runs out the back of reception, trying to control her hysterics.]

Susan: [Alarmed] Graffiti? What, in the hotel?

Alan: No, no, God. There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady’s part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent, that’s the tragedy. But no, it’s not the… it’s on the side of my car; it says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’.

[As Alan says ‘Cock’, ‘Piss’, ‘Partridge’, Sophie attempts to return, and has to immediately turn back.]

Alan: Which is… which is illegal. Is she new?

Susan: Yes, she is.

Alan: I mean, I’m basically driving around in an obscene publication. I’d love to get my hands on the *******. Or bitch, might be a lady.

 

[KingstonSeagull]

Boy: Mum, I want my GameBoy.
Alan to a woman with her child: Hello. Excuse me, what’s his name?
Mother: It’s Todd.
Alan: What, Todd? Seriously? Hello Todd. Snazzy jeans you’ve got on there.
Todd: Thank you.
Alan: You’re welcome.
Alan to waiter: Correct me if I’m wrong, there is a zero tolerance policy on denim in the bar.
Waiter: Yes.
Alan to waiter: I think there’s a chap over there wearing jeans. Chap of bout six.
Alan to Siobhan: They’re lovely at that age, aren’t they?
Alan to Woman: Did they get you on the old jeans rule? Nazis! But with excellent facilities… as had the Nazis.