How about "He couldn't leave us if he tried"
Vaguely threatening, in a Steven King "I am your #1 fan" sort of way...
Surely line 1 :Then I saw his pace, now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I'm in love, it’s Carlos Baleba, he’s our midfielder and I feel fine.
No point messing around too much with the original.