The Truth About Adoption

[NMH]

I have two sets of friends (in other words 2 families) who adopted...from Korea and from China.
Both already had their own child as well, and both adopted 2 children in.

Both lots exceedingly happy, and it has worked out great for all concerned.

 

[Carshalton Seagull]

It is so encouraging to read such balanced and well thought through posts about such an emotive topic.

I have been a social worker for the past 27 years for most of which I have been working in adoption and fostering. For the past few years I have owned a small independent fostering agency and contact centre. I was initially ambivalent about watching last night's programme expecting the usual social worker bashing but within minutes I was sobbing uncontrollably watching birth parents say goodbye to their children at the end of the last contact. This is something we supervise on a regular basis and is one of the most heart wrenching experiences you could ever witness.

The reasons children become looked after are usually complex and as has been said many birth parents are inadequate rather than evil. Equally social workers sometimes deserve the bad press we all too often get, but across the country we are dealing with these issues on a daily basis to the best of our (sometimes less than perfect) abilities.

There are plenty of worse ways I could find to make a living and I consider myself fortunate to be doing the job I do. Now in my mid 50's I am old enough to realise that no politicians of any persuasion are going to invest the resources needed to make a real difference to the lives of the 65000 or so looked after children in England. In today's climate quite the opposite in fact. How do we respond to 40% increase in care proceedings post Baby Peter and courts now taking on average over 65 weeks to complete care proceedings? Obvious solution: cut local authority funding by 25% year on year for 3 years - you know it makes sense!

Morale amongst social workers is as low as I have ever known it. Do more with less but God help you if you get it wrong. The result, the children we saw last night waiting longer and longer in a system that is stretched to breaking point.

So again, heart warming to read such a positive thread. Thank you.

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

I was going to post about issues that were raised last night on panorama. But having looked at the previous posts (especially DIFFBROOK and Rowley) I would much rather concur with the experience of adoption.
Ours went quite quickly with the right amount of intrusion in my opinion (but not about my sex life, not heard that one before) but the end result is that we have the most special daughter. Look at the other posts because I can not put it as well as that.
2 things though,when one day you do not have a child and then, suddenly, you have the most beautiful child asleep in the back of your car on a long journey to take her home for the rest of your life, is just the most surreal experience, impossible to explain.
The other is I have never considered her as adopted, it never crosses my mind, even when I look at her asleep, even typing this, human nature I guess.
If you are considering adopting, do it, it is a fabulous thing.

 

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

This is brilliant, we appear to have our very own n.s.c post adoption support group just shows how great this little chat site can be. Like the previous poster, my children don't feel like they were adopted, it's like they've always been with us. And especially this time of year, having little ones teaches you the true spirit of Christmas

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

Ok, just read the post above (carshalton) of course I am biased, but the situation is unbelievable. I will make this quick and it is not pointed at any political party.
We are dealing with vulnerable children in care, mistakes have been made up to the baby P incident and a huge increase has resulted, and a REDUCTION in funds follows.
We are endlessly told that bthe country has no money, how come we can INCREASE foreign aid (to some countries that do not need it) how come we found billions at the drop of a hat to bail out Ireland. I could go on, I am not saying that we should not have done that, but surely not when we have kids in this country in care homes, they must come first.My mate passed his fostering course a year ago and has not had 1 child to foster because of budgets and a loving home awaits, how can politicians make these decisions.
Sorry Mr Carshalton, please confirm. I found it odd that the Coventry Social services were hesitating on a family because they did not have a dog, and the kid wanted one, found that odd.

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

Sorry just realised what I said previously, having a child in the back of your car is no different to a couple having a baby and taking it home from hospital for the first time. I was trying to point out that when you know you cant have kids and then you have one its, cant think of the word.

 

[Tux the albion Penguin]

It is so encouraging to read such balanced and well thought through posts about such an emotive topic.

I have been a social worker for the past 27 years for most of which I have been working in adoption and fostering. For the past few years I have owned a small independent fostering agency and contact centre. I was initially ambivalent about watching last night's programme expecting the usual social worker bashing but within minutes I was sobbing uncontrollably watching birth parents say goodbye to their children at the end of the last contact. This is something we supervise on a regular basis and is one of the most heart wrenching experiences you could ever witness.

The reasons children become looked after are usually complex and as has been said many birth parents are inadequate rather than evil. Equally social workers sometimes deserve the bad press we all too often get, but across the country we are dealing with these issues on a daily basis to the best of our (sometimes less than perfect) abilities.

There are plenty of worse ways I could find to make a living and I consider myself fortunate to be doing the job I do. Now in my mid 50's I am old enough to realise that no politicians of any persuasion are going to invest the resources needed to make a real difference to the lives of the 65000 or so looked after children in England. In today's climate quite the opposite in fact. How do we respond to 40% increase in care proceedings post Baby Peter and courts now taking on average over 65 weeks to complete care proceedings? Obvious solution: cut local authority funding by 25% year on year for 3 years - you know it makes sense!

Morale amongst social workers is as low as I have ever known it. Do more with less but God help you if you get it wrong. The result, the children we saw last night waiting longer and longer in a system that is stretched to breaking point.

So again, heart warming to read such a positive thread. Thank you.

This Is why If I lose my princess. I won't be able to have a final contact. I know for a fact I would break down. Would be good for either me or my daughter. I have requested that If the decision by the court swings In the SS favor that my final contact would be the last of this year.

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

This Is why If I lose my princess. I won't be able to have a final contact. I know for a fact I would break down. Would be good for either me or my daughter. I have requested that If the decision by the court swings In the SS favor that my final contact would be the last of this year.

So sorry Langney, this thread is full of people like me and our experience of adopting. I cant imagine what it must be like on the other side of the fence, after all panorama did show both sides, and you are reading what may happen in the future to your child.
I sincerly hope that everything goes well for you and that the right decision is made in the end. Good luck to you and keep fighting for what you know is right.

 

[Tux the albion Penguin]

So sorry Langney, this thread is full of people like me and our experience of adopting. I cant imagine what it must be like on the other side of the fence, after all panorama did show both sides, and you are reading what may happen in the future to your child.
I sincerly hope that everything goes well for you and that the right decision is made in the end. Good luck to you and keep fighting for what you know is right.

Thanks for your words Chopper. The year In It's self has been a living hell for me as I feel like I'm the one who Is on trial, Yet. I've done nothing to merit this punishment. At the end of the day. I will fight for her as far as long as needs be. I would never wish this apon anyone. It's the most horrible feeling In the world. :/

 

[Carshalton Seagull]

Ok, just read the post above (carshalton) of course I am biased, but the situation is unbelievable. I will make this quick and it is not pointed at any political party.
We are dealing with vulnerable children in care, mistakes have been made up to the baby P incident and a huge increase has resulted, and a REDUCTION in funds follows.
We are endlessly told that bthe country has no money, how come we can INCREASE foreign aid (to some countries that do not need it) how come we found billions at the drop of a hat to bail out Ireland. I could go on, I am not saying that we should not have done that, but surely not when we have kids in this country in care homes, they must come first.My mate passed his fostering course a year ago and has not had 1 child to foster because of budgets and a loving home awaits, how can politicians make these decisions.
Sorry Mr Carshalton, please confirm. I found it odd that the Coventry Social services were hesitating on a family because they did not have a dog, and the kid wanted one, found that odd.

Sorry Raleigh - not sure I have understood the question. But I can confirm that many children are waiting too long for an adoptive or permanent foster home. Relatively few of these are in residential care homes as local authorities will not use these except as a last resort because foster care is cheaper. Equally worrying is the number of 16-18 year olds being pushed into semi-independent living before they are ready, again often because it is cheaper than fostering, even if they have been living with their foster carers for most of their life. Does not always happen. There are some supportive local authorities - we have one young man with learning difficulties aged 22 that is still placed with his foster carers and this is fully funded, but this is the exception in my experience.

Funding is only half the problem however. As big a problem is the delay in court proceedings. While some of this delay is due to lack of resources, much of it is due to the adversarial nature of our court system which does much to keep barristers and 'expert' witnesses in employment but does little to address children's needs in a time frame that is most beneficial for them.

 

[Carshalton Seagull]

This Is why If I lose my princess. I won't be able to have a final contact. I know for a fact I would break down. Would be good for either me or my daughter. I have requested that If the decision by the court swings In the SS favor that my final contact would be the last of this year.

So sorry Langley and I hope that your fears are not realised. God forbid that they should be but if they are then try and think seriously about going ahead with all the contact you can, even a final one. I only observe and that is painful enough and I cannot imagine how difficult it can be for the parents. But most that I have worked with have still been glad they did despite the pain.

 

[Gwylan]

Funding is only half the problem however. As big a problem is the delay in court proceedings. While some of this delay is due to lack of resources, much of it is due to the adversarial nature of our court system which does much to keep barristers and 'expert' witnesses in employment but does little to address children's needs in a time frame that is most beneficial for them.

I saw how much the expert witnesses were being paid when we went through our kids' files and it was staggering: that money could be better employed on the children themselves.

Our kids moved in about 20 months after first enquiring about adoption so it's slow - but not massively slow. There are a lot of factors to take into account so it won't be the same for everyone. We also turned down two sets of children before ours. One thing the programme last night didn't make clear was that adoptive parents do turn down children so that also slows down the process.

It's been good reading about different experiences, I knew about Stat Brother but not the others, it's gratifying to know there are so many. And Langney, good luck with your fight, I know these things can be tough.